The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
When I tell my husband I need two minutes, I mean two football minutes—so, like, 20 minutes, a timeout, and maybe a snack break.
My anniversary is in 9 days and my husband just said “I’m so glad we already figured out our anniversary gifts for each other” and, like, what??????? Did I miss a meeting???????
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Wife: I know you mostly read gay books—Me: Babe. Come on. I *only* read gay books.
BREAKING: Jeff Bezos has been dethroned as the second richest person on the planet, despite my wife’s daily efforts to get him to #1.
Husband said I should not buy mums this year because I kill them every year but what he doesn’t know is that THIS YEAR WILL BE DIFFERENT
I made a photo album of all the pictures of grocery store items I’ve taken. It’s for my wife and titled “You mean this?”
Pretty sure my son is wearing headphones all of the time now so that he has plausible deniability whenever he doesn’t do something that I asked him to and I’m really annoyed that I hadn’t thought of doing that earlier in my married life
Regretfully, my truest nature comes out when I don’t think the covers are being shared equally
Today I was struggling to get my wife’s attention.So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable.That did the trick.
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Tried adopting a dog without telling my husband and then added “lives dangerously” to my resume.
I walked into the house and my wife immediately goes, “A monkey slapped Moo Deng today!”
Why ride roller coasters when we can just sit in the car while my wife tries to parallel park.
Wife: we’re just buying some bushesMe: soWife: stop calling it a “hedge fund.”
Wife: how do you plan on fixing the leak in the roof?Me: first of all, thank you for your question. I’ll start by saying I was raised in a middle class family…
“We have to tighten up our budget and get smarter with our money,” I tell my wife while checking my phone at 11 PM to see if BYU is going to cover the last leg of my stupid parlay.
Me: [Joking after we wake up]Wife: Me: [Joking]Wife:Me: [Joking]Wife:Me: [Joking]Wife: Let me have my coffee in peace, Jesus Christ !
OMG! My wife did it again! She made cookies with raisins instead of chocolate chips. Who does something like this? So now I’m Googling divorce lawyers.